Hatred is a learned emotion.
Children are much different from adults in the way they absorb, value, and retain information. Adults have learned not to believe everything we hear. We will often devote more attention to valid information and discard misleading information quickly. Children, on the other hand, absorb good and bad information equally. They will pay as much attention to negative, harmful, misleading information as they will to positive, empowering, and helpful information.
This can lead to intolerance, racism and even hate crimes if it escalates far enough.
Children have not developed a keen and effective “bad information filter” yet, and they often pick up harmful opinions from within their families—even when the family is unaware that they are expressing a harmful opinion. The most important source of information to a child – especially a young child – is their parents or guardians. These individuals will shape a child’s impressions of what is right and wrong, good and evil, socially acceptable and criminal. Even seemingly unimportant matters can make a tremendous difference in a child’s outlook towards others.
Kids soak up their environments and experiences from the time they are born. True haters begin to develop early. As they grow, they begin to form opinions and beliefs based on what they have been told, feel to be true, and experience. Parents who consistently deliver positive, non-biased messages, encourage diversity, and embrace change, rarely raise haters. Parents may not even realize they are promoting hatred: it could be racist jokes or an offhand comment here and there that encourages racism, makes kids more susceptible to becoming haters or getting involved in a hate crime.
It is easy for kids to focus on one aspect about a person that their parent may dislike, and quickly apply this dislike to all people who share the same attribute. This could and usually does include racism. True haters can come from all places, races, and socio-economic backgrounds, but are almost always put on an early path to hatred by the significant people in their lives. But parents are not the only ones with influence over a child’s belief systems. Even a minor intolerance that reflects a bias from a favorite uncle, cousin, grandparent, or idol can have equal effect and increase the chance your child becomes involved in a hate crime.
It is okay for your kids to have a strong dislike for something, or even someone. That alone doesn’t make them a “hater.” If they take action based on the dislike or hatred, they cross the line and become a hater. These are where the seeds of hate crimes start. This could take the form of bullying another child, refusing to help someone in need because of their differences, or even committing a more serious and violent hate crime. Hatred is taken to its most destructive extreme when it is generalized into hatred for an entire population, and this is something you have to watch for in your children.
Imagine your child in the following scenarios to see if he or she is on the road to becoming a hater.
Scenario One
Your child, Jim, gets in an argument with another boy, Quan, at school. Quan is Asian and your son is white. Jim is very mad at Quan and tells you later than night that he hates Quan. Although anger can
be an alarming and dangerous emotion, Jim’s feelings have basis. He and Quan argued and Jim became angry. You will be able to talk with Jim and help him find the real reason for his anger, and eventually Jim and Quan will again be friends. This is realistic hatred.
Scenario Two
Take the same situation: Jim and Quan get in an argument at school. Jim comes home and tells you that he hates Quan, calls him a derogatory name, and says he hates all Asian people. In the days following, Jim continues to express his dislike for all Asian people, making frequent discriminatory and racist comments about them. This is unrealistic hate — and the beginnings of a true hater.
If the first scenario fits your family dynamic, you are in fine shape. Your child has a reasonable and warranted dislike for an individual, based on his actions. He only dislikes the individual. As children mature, they learn ways to understand and control their anger, and many times kids who feel hatred for each other in grade school become friends in later years. Realistic haters get over it. They do not transfer their anger to all people.
If the second scenario rings bells, you need to take a closer look at your child and the direction he or she is headed. Unrealistic hatred for an identified group of people is one of the most dangerous emotions and beliefs that one can harbor. Adolph Hitler, perhaps the most notorious hater of all, was driven by hate and he nearly succeeded in exterminating a race of people.
History can and often does repeat itself. I saw it every day as a police officer investigating hate crimes and watching children follow closely in the criminal and violent footsteps of their parents. But it doesn’t have to. You have the power to make the next generation — your kids — safe, wise, caring, tolerant, and free from hate. In order to achieve this, you need to do two things: be responsible for how your own words and actions will affect your children’s attitudes; and watch closely to see if any external influences may cause the seeds of intolerance and racism to germinate and grow in your child.
Early intervention can help to prevent the evil of hatred and hate crimes from infiltrating your family.
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Tags: hate crime, kids, parenting, racism
